El Paso County Texas Obituaries from the El Paso Times January 29 2002
A****, ROBERT E. was born July 1, 1943, in Columbia, South Carolina, and went to be with the Lord January 27, 2002 in San Antonio, TX, at the age of 58 years. Robert was a member of Sun Valley Baptist Church in El Paso, TX, and of Leon Valley Baptist Church in San Antonio. He is survived by his wife of 25 years, Jody; daughter, Vicki J****** and husband, Mike; son, Joseph A**** and wife, Elizabeth; grandchildren, Isabelle and Joey A****; Devlin, Mikey, Stephanie and Travis J******; mother, Eva A****; father, Julian A****; and sisters, Bev A***** and husband, Butch, and Pat T****** and husband, Garland. Visitation will begin at 11:00 a.m., followed by a funeral service at 2:00 p.m. Thursday, January 31, 2002, at Leon Valley Baptist Church in San Antonio. In lieu of flowers, memorials may be directed to the Cancer Therapy and Research Center, 8122 Datapoint Drive, Suite 600, San Antonio, TX 78229. Sunset Northwest Funeral Home, 6321 Bandera Road, San Antonio, TX 78238
I got no phone call nor any indication whatsoever that my Narcissist mother was the least bit interested or concerned about my feelings regarding this man's death; just "Look who's dead," scrawled on the newspaper clipping.
Later that night, I made the mistake of telling my Narcissist mother I'd been to visit my daddy, and that he seemed so genuinely happy now. (Narcissists HATE the idea that anyone, especially an ex-spouse, could move on in life and find happiness with someone else!)
My Narcissist mother called my daddy up on the telephone the very next day and cussed him out. She had not spoken to him in fifteen years, but could not resist the urge to cuss him out that day. She bragged to me about it, too. After all, it's all about her! And how dare he have a happy life, and how dare I say nice things about him?
I'm going to pause and backtrack a little bit. The obituary above is really killing me at the moment; the ten years that I lived with this man can't be contained in a small square of faded, yellow newsprint.
"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits upthe o'er-wrought heart and bids it break." William Shakespeare
1964. I think it might have been in the summer or early autumn. I have a very vivid memory of walking into an office building, holding my daddy's hand. (This was months before he and my Narcissist mother were married that same November). I remember him picking me up and setting me on the high counter in the office lobby. The office was named Household Finance Company, and was where my mother worked as a receptionist before she and my step-father were married. But while he and I were there that day, waiting for her to finish her work shift, I vividly remember him teaching me how to tie my shoes. I was very proud of myself that afternoon. I remember announcing to my Narcissist mother from the counter top: "Look! I tied my shoes!" I also vividly remember the smile on my daddy's face. But strangely.. I don't remember anything of my mother's response or expression. It is only a blank. Which, in an almost chilling retrospect, seems a kind of foreshadowing of her inability to relate to the simplest of things that connect all human beings, or those which make all human beings unique.. and separate from the Narcissist.
He was never good enough for the Narcissist, who had a mile-long list of grievances against him (and still has, to this day). The Narcissist's Husband was THE most evil, worthless, selfish, boring, lazy, loveless, ungrateful jerk that ever lived (next to the Narcissist's Daughter, of course).
In retrospect, I will say that he had his faults; my daddy was human and all humans have their faults. But he deserved a far better life than the ten years of verbal and mental abuse, and all the vile slandering behind his back, courtesy of my Narcissist mother. I'm glad he got out when he did. I am glad that he found a new wife who loved him, and built a better life for himself over the remaining twenty-five years of his life.
Despite that the Narcissist painted him as the Antichrist, my daddy was a good man. He was a musician (and even played club gigs with a few bands in the early years), though the Narcissist always berated and put down his talent. He liked riding bicycles, playing tennis, playing his guitar and belting out Jerry Lee Lewis style rock & roll songs on the piano. He was the furniture department manager at the nearby Sears store. I used to walk there every day during summer vacation from elementary school, and when I turned ten, he taught me how to drive the standard-transmission Volkswagen Beetle car we had, letting me practice on Sundays in the empty Sears parking lot (because Texas had 'Blue Laws' that prohibited businesses from operating on Sundays back then).
He liked going for Sunday drives (often letting me drive the car on the highways outside the city limits from age 10 - 14). He liked doing yard work, teaching our dog Bodunk (Bo-Bo) to do tricks, and 'target-practicing' out in the desert with his rifle. He liked playing card games and visiting with the neighbors. He liked popcorn, even though he complained that the husks got stuck between his teeth. He liked The Jackie Gleason Show and Johnny Carson's Tonight Show. When something was funny, he had a loud and rather amazing laugh. (My Narcissist mother hated his laugh. Although I think it was just more that she genuinely disliked for anyone in the house to be happy when she was always so miserable). My daddy liked staying up really late with me on weekends once in awhile to watch Wolfman Jack's Midnight Special. And he even had the ability to look past David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust glam-flamboyance (because I liked Bowie's music very much) and agree that the man was indeed, a very talented singer and musician.
All these good memories I have of my daddy were during the times when my Narcissistic mother wasn't present, for whatever reason. He and I didn't ever really talk all that much-- there wasn't really a need. We weren't terribly close, but it was as close as we could ever be.. under the Narcissist's poisonous shadow. I wish I had never been forced to hear my Narcissist mother's gossip and slander about him while growing up. I wish she had never used me and forced me to take her side in all her fights with my daddy while I was growing up. I wish I didn't have to hear my Narcissist mother air all her specific gripes about my daddy to all her supposed 'friends', to paint such unflattering and ugly portrayals of him. I wish she had not warped my mind during those ten years he lived with us. I wish I had been allowed to make up my own mind about him. I wish.. I had known my daddy better; known him for who he really was.
It's been ten years since the Narcissist's (ex) Husband passed away.
And after ten years.. I still grieve.
Yet I am so glad I called him when I did. I am soooo glad I got to see him again.. before he passed away.
Rest in peace, Daddy.
El Paso County Texas office of vital records/ File Number 2028
Husband Name A**** ROBERT E
Wife Name DONNA L
Marriage Date 20-Nov-1964
Divorce Date 30-Jan-1976