Whose Side Are You On?!

For Justin

They are all hardened rebels, going about to slander. They are [like] bronze and iron; they all act corruptly. The bellows blow fiercely to burn away the lead with fire, but the refining goes on in vain; the wicked are not purged out. Jeremiah 6:28-29

SLANDER [noun]: a malicious, false, and defamatory statement or report

One of the Narcissist's little tricks is called 'Slander'.  It's a gaslighting tactic employed by the Narcissist to devalue (and even destroy, if possible) the victim's credibility and emotional stability.  "Whose Side Are You On?!" in my Narcissist mother's case, can easily be substituted with other similar gems of hers: "Everyone knows you're crazy!" or "Everyone's on my side!"

And why is it always necessary for the Narcissist to enlist everyone on to his/her bandwagon when trying to sucker me (or anyone else) into arguments over pointless things? Just who are these elusive everyones that have rallied with the Narcissist against me?  The same exact everyones my Narcissist mother slanders behind their backs, when she is demanding that I take her side without question.

Take heed though; the Narcissist has been badmouthing you behind your back to just about anyone who will listen, and his/her liberal use of 'everyone' is the first and biggest clue that this is true.  Then just ask yourself this:  What kind of family member or 'friend' does this?   Obviously not a real friend; obviously not a family member that loves you.

My uncle's blind wife of nearly forty years, for example, has been slandered millions of times behind her back by my Narcissist mother.  She has railed against my uncle's wife for being a lousy mother to my cousin (though my cousin has never once complained), a lousy housekeeper (remember, she is blind), and a "catty, selfish witch who won't share her money" with my Narcissist mother. 

Actually, my aunt is a very nice person, and I'm pretty sure she would give someone the coat off her back if they needed it.  My cousin did stop by my house one time about twenty years ago to ask me if I knew my mother "talked crap" about me nonstop to his mother.  Yes, I was vaguely aware of it; she's talked crap about me to anyone and everyone who will listen to her, pretty much ever since I was born.  I shrugged and told him--"She talks crap about your mother nonstop to me, too.  And also to Mima." (Our grandmother).  

She also slanders all her 'friends'  whom she will only say she's lucky to have when trying to make me feel guilty for not wanting to spend much time with her (which of late has been none at all).  I met one of her 'friends' at a wedding reception two years ago, and the woman was absolutely stunned--"You're nothing at all like I was expecting."

Oh?  She must have been expecting the antichrist. 

I can't even imagine saying ugly things about my children to other people, slandering them and making people believe they are the spawn of satan. (They're not!)  So why does my mother do this to me?   In all my fifty years she has never once said anything nice about me; never once said anything nice to me

I try to laugh about these things.  I really do. I remind myself all the time that she treats everyone badly, not just me. And I try to get past the whole notion that the Narcissist.. is my mother.  You know, the woman who was supposed to love me and act like I mattered to her.  The woman who was supposed to care when I got hurt, and be there to help me feel better. The woman who was supposed to share her wisdom with me, and help me transition from childhood to adulthood, and finally to old age.  You know.. just because I'm her daughter.  Her only child.  I try to remind myself that she has a mental disorder; that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and this is why she continues to injure me every chance she gets.  This is just how she is.  My mother hurts me, and continues to hurt me every day of my life.  And I try very hard to just laugh, and go on pretending everything is okay.. just like a good Narcissist's daughter.

Lately, because I've not spoken to my Narcissist mother since January of this year, she's been trying to rally my children to her side.  She's been trying to sucker them into arguments, shaming them for having different religious and political views than her, trying to make them feel guilty for loving me and letting them know how evil I am for ignoring her. 

Never mind that my Narcissist mother's last remark to me (on Facebook for all the world to see, before she erased it and pretended like she never wrote it at all), was that the only reason I ever called her on the phone to see how she was doing, was because I only wanted her money (she actually has no money; I've been paying for a few of her things over the past eight years).

I told her "fine"; I apologized for all the times I ever called her to see how she was doing, and assured her--"It'll never happen again."

My kids are all grown up and they can decide for themselves if they want to be used by my Narcissist mother, who feels a compulsory need to badmouth their mother to them.  She recently disowned all of them when both my sons came to town for a day to hangout with me and do family things.  She sent one of them a nasty email the next day after they all went back home, expressing how angry and hurt she was that they didn't go to her house to "hear her side of the story."  (He forwarded it to me).

Her nasty email, going through my children just to dig at me, upset me.  I emailed her back and chewed her out. Not so much because she still tries to dig at me (though I've had no contact with her for almost nine months now), but because she made my son feel bad.  She hurt my child.

I think it has always infuriated my Narcissist mother that my kids and I don't have a dysfunctional, hate-filled relationship. Though I really have no clue why she has spent so many years trying to get them to hate me, or trying to stir up wars between them. (She's talked crap about my sons to my daughter, and talked crap about my daughter to my sons). Would it kill her, just for once, to be glad about other people's good fortune and happiness? I've asked her numerous times if she can ever just (for once) say something nice about other people. She gets a blank glaze in her eyes, as if I've spoken an unintelligible foreign language she doesn't understand.

I want my kids to love their kids (and their spouses, too), and to be happy with who they're with and with what they have. They all seem very happy and successful in their lives, and I admire them so much. I'm proud of them.

So.. whose side am I on?  I'm not on anyone's side. And I don't care who's on my Narcissist mother's side. I don't care what lies she has fabricated, either, or how much she tries to convince herself and everyone else how evil I am.  It wasn't the first time, either (oh yes, more gems), that she told me in a narcissistic-rage not to talk to her anymore.  But.. it was the last time.   I just want to move on now, because I think it's for the best.

Terri M. © August 2012

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It's Hard to Think of Them as Real People

"The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye; the more light you 
pour upon it, the more it will contract."  Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

Well.. we like to hope that education will solve such moral dilemmas. However, that's rarely the case where bigots are concerned, as Mr. Holmes pointed out.  Shedding 'light' into the mind of a bigot only makes his mind grow more narrow, because he staunchly refuses to give up his hateful bigotries. Compare with what Jesus said regarding spiritual and moral darkness...

"The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!"  Matt 6:22-23

"Oh look, a couple of ink spots,"  she said one morning as she observed two African-American fellows crossing the street at an intersection. She laughed at her own joke even though I didn't see anything funny about it.

It's not just black people, but anyone who is non-white... "it's hard to think of them as real people."  That's another one of my Narcissist mother's thoughtful proverbs (or sayings).  Yes, she is fond of thinking her thoughts right out loud, and often either doesn't care who hears them, or is completely oblivious to the fact that everyone within a ten-foot radius can and does hear them.  It is embarrassing to be anywhere in public with her because you just never know what she will say, and who will hear it when passing by.  I will say this however, in defense of her blatant racism: My narcissist mother finds it hard to think of anyone as a real person; even the members of her own family. 

Despite the fact that her Facebook updates are filled with hate-rhetoric and thinly veiled racism in the name of religion and politics (but mostly religion), my Narcissist mother will be the first to claim that she is, in fact, not a racist.  After all, she's never donned a hooded white sheet and burned a cross in anyone's front yard.  She is rather quick to point out, however, that the Jews deserved what they got in the Holocaust, because they are Jews and not Christians, and God doesn't like the Jews anymore. (Never mind that Jesus was also a Jew.. and not a Christian).

But what exactly makes a person (halfway, sort of) real in the eyes of my Narcissist mother?  If they are belligerent, obnoxious and ultra-right-wing (and white) like Newt Gingrich, that makes them (sort of real) and worthy of my Narcissist mother's respect and admiration.  Although I think it goes a little deeper under the surface than that, especially where Narcissistic Personality Disorder is concerned. Newt Gingrich is a real person because he has many of the exact same personality traits as my Narcissistic mother, he agrees with everything my narcissist mother believes (regardless whether Newt is even aware of this).  Oh, and because "Newt is a Christian," too.

"Really?  But hasn't Newt been caught in dozens of lies, sex scandals, and blatant hypocrisies? How can he possibly be a Christian?"

My Narcissist mother responds with a blank stare, behind which she is furiously plotting how to twist the topic into a different direction.  But before she can go there, I tell her bluntly--"Barak Obama is a Christian, too.  He said so.  And he's lived a moral life where his family and work ethics are concerned.  Didn't Jesus even say that 'you will know them by their fruits?'" (Matthew 7:15-27)

"Well, he's not a Christian."  That's her answer.

"Why don't you believe he's a Christian?"

This is not about politics, though.  Not in any way, shape or form.  It's not even a theological religious debate. It's merely about judging someone by the color of their skin.  I don't personally know Barak Obama or Newt Gingrich, and neither does my Narcissist mother.  Whether either man believes in God or subscribes to the Christian religion, I do not know.  And neither does my Narcissist mother.

"Because everyone knows he isn't!" My Narcissist mother will adamantly refuse to accept the fact that she cannot possibly know what is on Barak Obama's mind and heart concerning religious matters.  Then: "Why do you always have to go against everything I say?!" she simply changes the subject at this point, but behind her shifty eyes and wrenching fists, she's reaching a boiling point inside. She literally goes berserk with rage if anyone quotes a bible verse that contradicts her own warped beliefs.  It isn't rational, her method for judging people.  The immoral white fellow who embodies my Narcissist mother's loftiest goals in her own fantasy world, is the Christian--the good guy.  The other guy, the black one--he is the bad guy.

"It's because he's black, isn't it?"   No, we don't dare risk saying that to my Narcissist mother's face, not without incurring her screaming, ranting rage.  It's what everyone in the family (and those outside the family who've been privy to her racism on Facebook) says jokingly to each other behind the Narcissist's back.  Only.. it's not very funny.  And somehow, I doubt that Jesus-the-Jew would find my Narcissist mother's blatant racism very inspirational or conducive to promoting the notion that 'God so loved the world..'

The whole world.

Terri M. © August 2012

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NPD Is Not a Dirty Secret Anymore

January 27, 2012
That is the date that goes down in history known as the Facebook Incident.  The SMS backup app on my Android phone labeled it 'Donna FBIncident', but only shows up humorously on my phone as 'Donna FBI'.

I didn't own a Facebook account for very long. To me, it just seemed like a handy tool for stalkers (and narcissists), enabling them to do even more damage to other people than they already do.  In hindsight however, I guess the irony is that Facebook also provides the Narcissist with enough rope to eventually hang him/herself -- and right out in the open for all to see.

Anyway.. January 27, 2012 was the last day I ever had any contact with my Narcissist mother.  It was on Facebook, and it exploded into one of her typical rages that began (amusingly enough) over a political discussion between my daughter and my daughter's friends.  My Narcissist mother (who had actually been blocked from seeing nearly all posts on mine and my daughter's accounts, due to her chronic urge to pick fights with anyone on Facebook who disagrees with her), popped into the discussion with her usual mish-mash of hate-rhetoric, bigotry, and Inquisition-style religious intolerance.

But I must digress.. it isn't so much that my Narcissist mother truly feels a deep conviction in her religious beliefs (trust me, she doesn't) that she's speaking on God's behalf (like the Jonah and the Whale story).  It's  actually nothing more than her chronic desire to start (and win) an argument that's rearing its ugly head again.

And again.

And again and again and again.

Perhaps it wouldn't be so terrible (or embarrassing) if my Narcissist mother did her homework and actually researched a few (real) facts to corroborate her hate-campaigns; if she could stay focused on the actual topic of discussion; if other people weren't grumbling and wondering who the racist-hillbilly is on Facebook that keeps mysteriously showing up in every thread (regardless whether it's about politics, world affairs, religion, science, etc.) to start a fight without even knowing what the topic of discussion is about.. only to have every single thread turn into a raging argument focused solely on herself.  Oh, and God, too.. because they will all see 'The Truth' someday soon when my Narcissist is seated at the right hand of God (Jesus will just have to go sit somewhere else!) on judgment day, completely vindicated when everyone who ever disagreed with her are sent to hell to burn forever, and my Narcissist mother (who is God's special-favorite) will have the pleasure of gloating -- "Ha ha! I told you so."

It's a definite pattern, and one that didn't just recently develop overnight when my Narcissist mother discovered Facebook. Starting pointless arguments (with everyone) has been one of her strikingly prominent traits for as long as I can remember (my earliest memories stretch back as far as being three years old), and probably goes back even further than that. Though I am not sure whether she was actually born evil, or if she learned her bad behaviors from watching her father.  But that's another whole topic for later on.

Anyway.. the Narcissist's secrets are out for all to see.  Anyone can google personality disorder clusters and follow the links.  No one has to sit in darkness for years on end, wondering that there's something intrinsically and fundamentally wrong with that monster they know, whether parent or sibling or spouse.. or child.  That monster has been exposed and it has a name -- Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  I was blown away when I stumbled across it one day on Google.  Literally blown away, because all these years, all these decades, my whole entire life.. I never once considered that anyone else could possibly be as f****d-up as my mother.  But I was wrong.  January 2012 marks the beginning and the anniversary of my startling epiphany -- my mother has a Cluster-B personality disorder and the Narcissist's dirty secrets are finally out of the closet. 

Terri M. © August 2012

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