Whose Side Are You On?!

For Justin

They are all hardened rebels, going about to slander. They are [like] bronze and iron; they all act corruptly. The bellows blow fiercely to burn away the lead with fire, but the refining goes on in vain; the wicked are not purged out. Jeremiah 6:28-29

SLANDER [noun]: a malicious, false, and defamatory statement or report

One of the Narcissist's little tricks is called 'Slander'.  It's a gaslighting tactic employed by the Narcissist to devalue (and even destroy, if possible) the victim's credibility and emotional stability.  "Whose Side Are You On?!" in my Narcissist mother's case, can easily be substituted with other similar gems of hers: "Everyone knows you're crazy!" or "Everyone's on my side!"

And why is it always necessary for the Narcissist to enlist everyone on to his/her bandwagon when trying to sucker me (or anyone else) into arguments over pointless things? Just who are these elusive everyones that have rallied with the Narcissist against me?  The same exact everyones my Narcissist mother slanders behind their backs, when she is demanding that I take her side without question.

Take heed though; the Narcissist has been badmouthing you behind your back to just about anyone who will listen, and his/her liberal use of 'everyone' is the first and biggest clue that this is true.  Then just ask yourself this:  What kind of family member or 'friend' does this?   Obviously not a real friend; obviously not a family member that loves you.

My uncle's blind wife of nearly forty years, for example, has been slandered millions of times behind her back by my Narcissist mother.  She has railed against my uncle's wife for being a lousy mother to my cousin (though my cousin has never once complained), a lousy housekeeper (remember, she is blind), and a "catty, selfish witch who won't share her money" with my Narcissist mother. 

Actually, my aunt is a very nice person, and I'm pretty sure she would give someone the coat off her back if they needed it.  My cousin did stop by my house one time about twenty years ago to ask me if I knew my mother "talked crap" about me nonstop to his mother.  Yes, I was vaguely aware of it; she's talked crap about me to anyone and everyone who will listen to her, pretty much ever since I was born.  I shrugged and told him--"She talks crap about your mother nonstop to me, too.  And also to Mima." (Our grandmother).  

She also slanders all her 'friends'  whom she will only say she's lucky to have when trying to make me feel guilty for not wanting to spend much time with her (which of late has been none at all).  I met one of her 'friends' at a wedding reception two years ago, and the woman was absolutely stunned--"You're nothing at all like I was expecting."

Oh?  She must have been expecting the antichrist. 

I can't even imagine saying ugly things about my children to other people, slandering them and making people believe they are the spawn of satan. (They're not!)  So why does my mother do this to me?   In all my fifty years she has never once said anything nice about me; never once said anything nice to me

I try to laugh about these things.  I really do. I remind myself all the time that she treats everyone badly, not just me. And I try to get past the whole notion that the Narcissist.. is my mother.  You know, the woman who was supposed to love me and act like I mattered to her.  The woman who was supposed to care when I got hurt, and be there to help me feel better. The woman who was supposed to share her wisdom with me, and help me transition from childhood to adulthood, and finally to old age.  You know.. just because I'm her daughter.  Her only child.  I try to remind myself that she has a mental disorder; that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and this is why she continues to injure me every chance she gets.  This is just how she is.  My mother hurts me, and continues to hurt me every day of my life.  And I try very hard to just laugh, and go on pretending everything is okay.. just like a good Narcissist's daughter.

Lately, because I've not spoken to my Narcissist mother since January of this year, she's been trying to rally my children to her side.  She's been trying to sucker them into arguments, shaming them for having different religious and political views than her, trying to make them feel guilty for loving me and letting them know how evil I am for ignoring her. 

Never mind that my Narcissist mother's last remark to me (on Facebook for all the world to see, before she erased it and pretended like she never wrote it at all), was that the only reason I ever called her on the phone to see how she was doing, was because I only wanted her money (she actually has no money; I've been paying for a few of her things over the past eight years).

I told her "fine"; I apologized for all the times I ever called her to see how she was doing, and assured her--"It'll never happen again."

My kids are all grown up and they can decide for themselves if they want to be used by my Narcissist mother, who feels a compulsory need to badmouth their mother to them.  She recently disowned all of them when both my sons came to town for a day to hangout with me and do family things.  She sent one of them a nasty email the next day after they all went back home, expressing how angry and hurt she was that they didn't go to her house to "hear her side of the story."  (He forwarded it to me).

Her nasty email, going through my children just to dig at me, upset me.  I emailed her back and chewed her out. Not so much because she still tries to dig at me (though I've had no contact with her for almost nine months now), but because she made my son feel bad.  She hurt my child.

I think it has always infuriated my Narcissist mother that my kids and I don't have a dysfunctional, hate-filled relationship. Though I really have no clue why she has spent so many years trying to get them to hate me, or trying to stir up wars between them. (She's talked crap about my sons to my daughter, and talked crap about my daughter to my sons). Would it kill her, just for once, to be glad about other people's good fortune and happiness? I've asked her numerous times if she can ever just (for once) say something nice about other people. She gets a blank glaze in her eyes, as if I've spoken an unintelligible foreign language she doesn't understand.

I want my kids to love their kids (and their spouses, too), and to be happy with who they're with and with what they have. They all seem very happy and successful in their lives, and I admire them so much. I'm proud of them.

So.. whose side am I on?  I'm not on anyone's side. And I don't care who's on my Narcissist mother's side. I don't care what lies she has fabricated, either, or how much she tries to convince herself and everyone else how evil I am.  It wasn't the first time, either (oh yes, more gems), that she told me in a narcissistic-rage not to talk to her anymore.  But.. it was the last time.   I just want to move on now, because I think it's for the best.

Terri M. © August 2012

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Luna IngRuna said...

That sounded very vague - the reason to be on anybody's side your mother demanded. Was it the nasty comment on FACEHOOK, she ment?

I mean, you can be on someones side in a particular issue, but not just b'cause... In my family it's that way - just b'cause. So no matter what I say - I loose. No matter if there is witnesses who can confirm what I say happened - I loose. And they rally together to make me give up - what I know happened.

I used to give up eventually as it was in the past and I could not make anyone Believe me. I Think that damages a Child very much to have to give up once sense of reality - that and that I was constantly punished for things mothers golden Children did.

As a small Child I was beaten on her orders by my beloved father to please her. I don't know why. I never understood why I had to be beaten. I thought it was that kind of person I was - who must be beaten. I never connected it to having done something nasty. I never felt there was anything specific that had happened that would cause my parents to punish me when I was very small.

Now, as an adult, I Think I might had been Crying and acting out like small Children do, and mother wanted to see me hurt as she hates Crying Babies. (Everytime she's hurt my Children it's been due to them Crying.) She told father, when he came home from work, to punish me. By then I had forgotten the Crying, my guess, and I didn't connect it to the beating.

When I got older I had a baby sister I had to Watch. Everything she did wrong was my fault. I mostly got blamed only and not beaten, though I remember a smack in the face from mother once, when my sister was crying. Whatever my sister did, no matter how much I'd tried to stop her, it was my responsibility.

It started when I was 9 years and is still going on. She can never be wrong, and no matter what support I have for my version of reality I can never be right. I have realized they are all CRAZY.

Luckily I have one brother who's broken free from this insanity too. He used to be his younger Brothers scapegoat and mother bullied him very severely his whole Life. He's coped by keeping the distance.

A short while I tried to bring her together with him and tried to make her see she was wrong about him, but it was like a foreign language to her. Now I realize she's been badmouthing me too, not only him.

I am starting to remember hurtful things where people I really loved accused me of horrible deeds. I've realized my family has used me too as a scapegoat, I just didn't understand as I Always thought I was at fault when told I was.

I thought I was unlovable, that that was the reason so many treated me with such disdane. Well, no wonder if they've been told I am an ungrateful bitch of a daughter! LOL

It's true, these types are only happy when those they are sucking the Life force out of are in a dark Place. They want you depressed, sick, upset, lonely and selfdoubting so they can Control you. Good riddance!

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